Happy Birthday Monk
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: Sharona finds the perfect birthday gift for Monk. Stottlemyer gives Randy avice on how to get the ladies. Randy/Sharona friendship pairing.


_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the orginal characters nor do I own the show_

* * *

It was Monk's 35

th birthday. Everyone was sitting around trying to think of a good idea for a birthday gift for him. It was important. His birthday was coming up in 3 days.  
Suddenly Sharona came in. She didn't come in really. It was more like she burst in. She was clearly excited.  
"Captain," she began, "and Randy and all you other people in here… I HAVE THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ADRIAN"  
"The perfect gift huh?"  
"It is the best gift he could ever possibly get on his birthday or any day for that matter."  
"What is it," Stottlemyer asked. He doubted anyone could get the perfect gift for Monk. He doubted there even was a perfect gift for Monk.  
"Here's a hint," Sharona said, "he will truly flip when he sees what we got him"  
"Well it must cost a pretty penny," said officer Jonson  
"No. It's free. Don't think what. Think who"  
It took a few minute before it dawned on Stottlemyer. He was the first to get it.  
"Do you have a time machine or something"  
"Don't need it"  
"You're saying that… are you saying what I think you're saying"  
"I'm saying exactly what you think I'm saying. Stay here. Don't move. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get Monk's gift"  
"What am I missing," Randy asked Stottlemyer  
"Probably 9/10ths of your brain," Stottlemyer replied affectionately, "No seriously Sharona thinks that she's going to do some magic or something like that"  
"Cool"  
Stottlemyer rolled his eyes  
"Randy you're my nephew and I love you," he said, "so I'm going to give you a little tip about girls. There is a certain way to deal with girls. You have to be gentle. Your voice has to be conveying a message of a tender nature even if your words are not. Also you don't want to say damn it and the girl's name in the same sentence. Not too impressive and definitely doesn't score you points"  
"So I should just ignore it when-"  
"No. You don't ignore it but you talk like this."  
He lowered and softened his tone.  
"You look her in the eyes, gently caress those hands. Also try before saying the message saying shh shh shh. When you say the words say it with a melodious tone."  
At the same time Sharona was outside the office door when she ran into Monk.  
"Adrian go across the street and get some coffee"  
"I don't want any coffee"  
"Trust me you want coffee"  
"I really don't think I do"  
"TRUD ME DANG FLABIT YOU DO"  
"Did you just say trud me?"  
"I meant trust me"  
"What is a trud"  
"Something I got you for your birthday… well sort of"  
"Oh Sharona you know how I feel about my birthday. IT happened on my birthday"  
Sharona gave him the look.  
"When should I come back," he asked sighing  
"About 15 minutes"  
"No you don't say it like that," Stottlemyer said, "Lower your voice"  
"It's soft"  
"It's soft but it's also harsh. You want to convey a message to her in silenceso while you're remaining silent you're talking volumes"  
"That is so cool uncle Leland"  
Just then Sharona walked in.  
"Gentlemen for Adrian's viewing pleasure… let me now present to you the one the only gift that Adrian will truly love the only thing that will truly put a smile on his face… the only thing that could truly get him happy. Trudy"  
"What! That's-"  
Before Stottlemyer could say another word Sharona opened the door and led her in. Everyone noticed the tell tale sign that it was really her. She had a scar on her upper lip in the shape of a leaf.  
"Oh My GOD!"  
"Are you serious"  
"Is she really herself," Randy asked  
"Who the hell do you think she is," Stottlemyer commented sarcastically, "the man on the moon"  
"Well sir technically she's not a man and she's clearly not on the mood-"  
"Randy shut up," Leland said, but not in a cruel tone. He was never cruel to his nephew. He was protective of him. When Randy was 6 they learned he had something called EESS. That stands for Extreme Emotional Sensitivity Syndrome. If you tried to get mad at him it would shatter his self esteem and it would take a lot of work to build it back up again. Negativity of any kind was out. This would frustrate people at first but once they understood his position they were very cool about it.  
Randy didn't take offense at that rebuke. He simply laughed it off. He knew that his uncle didn't mean it in a harsh way.  
"What I meant was is this really her or an actress… like the actress that plays parts"  
"Most actresses do play parts," Stottlemyer told Randy laughing  
"Can I say something"  
Everyone looked to the sound of the voice. It was coming from her.  
"Sure," Stottlemyer said, "of course. I'm sorry we- we're all just a bit surprised to say the least, thrilled but very surprised. You do realize that this will take some explaining before any of us understand what in the hell is going on right?"  
"Of course," she told him, "and I'm going to explain but I think I ought to wait till Adrian gets here that way everyone can understand at the same time"  
"Scene," Sharona said  
"Heard," Randy joked  
"NOT THAT KIND OF SEEN. Scene. We should set up a scene… position wise anyway. Something that would be familiar enough to him to so he would recognize it but not so familiar he would know right away what the gift is"  
"Good idea. Hey what about that day," Randy suggested  
Sottlemyer motioned  
"That means be more specific," he said after a moment of silence, "that day could be any number of days"  
"C-can I set the scene up"  
"Sure"  
"Okay. If I remember correctly you were standing right over here"  
"Okay," Stottlemyer said and went and stood where Randy had indicted  
"You, you, you and you were standing here," he motioned to four other people.  
"I wasn't standing though. I was kneeling"  
"What difference does that make," Randy asked  
"Well you know Adrian," Trudy said laughing, "he pays attention to detail. He can remember the littlest thing"  
"I know," Randy said, "and he's always turning everything into a competition"  
"Okay," Trudy said, "well to be fair he doesn't have a lot of self esteem. I remember after the convention-"  
"What convention," Sharona asked  
"Oh funny story," Stottlemyer replied, "Monk, Trudy, Karen and I drove up to a convention together. Someone went to attack Monk and lets just say instants kicked in. She knocked the guy to his face and just the way circumstances happened…"  
Sharona started to laugh.  
"That is too funny," she said  
"Well it WAS funny," Trudy acknowledged, "until I noticed he was turning everything into a competition"  
Flashback  
_"We need to talk," Trudy told him, "Honey why are you turning everything into a competition lately"  
"Well," he said, "I'm really proud of you. I really am… it's just you're better then me at what I'm good at. It would be like if I were better then you at what you're good at"  
"Adrian," she said firmly, "listen to me. First off this is not a competition. I'm not better then you at what you're good at. If I am good at that it's because I know what I know from you. You're the most amazing person I know. Honey you do incredible things every day. You amaze people just by being you. You see people for who they are. You reach out. You have ways of working things out so it's the best of both worlds. Now I don't want you to ever doubt yourself again do I make myself clear?  
"Yes ma'am," he said feeling a little timid and a bit like a chastised child.  
"Good," she said, "because I don't want to have to get mad at you because I love you so much"  
_Flashback ends

"Yeah that sounds like him alright," Sharona said, "always having to be right… always having to be the best. But according to him you were always so sweet and gentle"  
"Normally I am," Trudy said, "but nobody is going to hurt the people I love including the people that I love"  
"Okay places everyone," Sharona said, "he's coming in"  
"Wait," Randy said, "Uncle Leland you were holding the-"  
"Randy it doesn't have to be exact"  
Randy gave him a look that said, _it's Monk remember  
_"Right," Stottlemyer said and got the strottle from his drawer.  
Sharona went to unlock the door.  
"This room… it looks familiar"  
"Well it should," Sharona joked, "you've been there hundreds of times before"  
"It's not just the room. It's the scene. I know it from-"  
"Monk," Stottlemyer said, "I want you to do me a favor"  
"Sure"  
"I want you to take three steps backwards and look to your right"  
"3 steps backwards huh. How big should the steps be. Should they be 3 little steps, three big steps or three regulars steps"  
"Walk like you would normally walk going forwards only going backwards instead."  
"Okay," he said, "Let me see. 1 step 2 step 3 step"  
"Wait," he said after he reached the 3rd step," that must not be big enough"  
"It's fine Monk"  
"It can't be fine. I don't see anything"  
"Look to your right"  
"My… my rght. Okay but should I look to my left first and to the middle because if I just look to my right-"  
"ADRIAN," Sharona scolded gently, "stop talking about looking to your right and look to your right"  
"How far to my right," Monk asked  
"Look for once pretend to be normal and-"  
"Hey I am normal"  
"Yeah and I'm Ladeedeeda," Sharona said sarcastically  
"Hm… you've changed a lot Ladeedeeda," Monk joked back  
"Look to your right," Stottlemyer said calmly but clearly losing patience.  
"How far to my right"  
"Until you see what we want you to see"  
"How am I supposed to know what you want me to see"  
"Oh you'll know it," Stottlemyer said, "You're the most brilliant mind here"  
"Or the second most brillent mind here," Sharona teased, "Ladeedeeda would be the first"  
"Sharona," Randy said in a voice that was both aghast and tender  
"That was good Randy," Leland told him  
"Thanks"  
"Listen," Randy told Sharona, "I'm sorry about the other day. Maybe I was being a jerk but here's the thing. I really, really, REALLY, REALLY like you"  
"Dang-it Randy," Sharona said, "I like you too but there are things you do that drive me crazy"  
"I-I'll work on not doing them anymore," Randy told her, "how about we go to dinner tonight"  
"Sure," Sharona said, "but Benjy comes too"  
"That's fine"  
"I hate to interrupt," Monk said, "but-"  
Everyone spoke at once  
"Look to your right"  
Finally Monk slowly began to turn his head to the right. A quarter inch at first  
"I don't see anything"  
"More"  
He turned it another quarter of an inch"  
"I still don't see anything"  
"Keep going"  
He turned it a 3rd quarter of an inch  
"I still don't see anything"  
"One more time," Sharona said, "instead of only a quarter of an inch turn your head a half of an inch"  
So Monk turned his head a half an inch  
"I still don't know what you except- TRUDY. OH MY—"  
He was so excited he started to hyperventilate.  
"Monk… breathe," Stottlemyer said. Monk had his arms TIGHTLY wrapped around his wife like he would never let go.  
"Monk breathe"  
"I don't need to breathe," he said excitedly.  
"Yeah you kind of do. It's how you stay alive"  
"Leland… my wife is alive. She IS my breath"  
"Now we all want to know how this happened"  
"No," Monk said, "I don't care HOW it happened. All I care about is THAT it happened."


End file.
